-Hey. Who wants French toast? -I'll have some.
Me too. Eggs and milk in the fridge. Thanks.
-What's the matter? -My hand feels weird.
I guess it's because I'm engaged!
-When will that start getting annoying? -Start?
Let's start the wedding plans.
-Okay. -Already?
We got a lot to do. We gotta think about the flowers, the music--
-I have thoughts on the music. -Too many cooks. . . .
Take it from me. All you have to do is show up and say the right name.
-What in God's name is that? -Oh, my God, the wedding book?
I haven't seen that since 4th grade.
This baby has everything. Take, you know, locations for instance:
First organized alphabetically, then geographically. . .
. . .then by square footage.
That is so smart.
Break it off. Break it off, now.
The One With Rachel's Book
English Subtitles by Gelula/SDI
That conclusively proves. . .
. . .that I had the idea for Jurassic Park first.
Let's take a look--
Phoebe, what are you doing here?
I need to talk to you. It's urgent. It's about Monica and Chandler.
Oh, my God. Of course.
Would you please excuse me for a moment?
Do you know each other's hometowns? Why don't you. . .?
What's going on?
Well, not much. I was just thinking that since they just got engaged. . .
. . .it would be nice if they have privacy.
So could I just move in with you for a couple days?
Okay, sure. But what's wrong with Monica and Chandler?
Nothing. Why?
Phoebe, you said it was urgent.
Yeah, it is. My movie starts in five minutes.
Do you realize I have a classroom full of students?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm so rude. Does anyone want to come to the movie?
I haven't cleared the budget with my parents. . .
. . .but tell me how this is for music.
A string quartet for the processional, a jazz trio for cocktails. . .
. . .the Bay City Rollers for dancing. . . .
Wait, that was for my 6th grade wedding.
You couldn't get them anyway. Ian doesn't play anymore, and Derek. . . .
Derek is a name I shouldn't know.
Mon, do you have another pillow, something a little snugglier?
Why are you napping here instead of at your place?
-The duck. -What, the duck?
What the hell did the damn duck do now?
Well, he did not get sick somewhere in there. . .
. . .and it was immediately found and properly cleaned up.
Do I get to look at this book. . .
. . .or is it just for people involved in the wedding?
Of course you can look at it. I want your opinion.
Here you go.
-What about centerpieces? -Centerpieces!
-Roses or lilies? -Definitely roses.
I think they're more "wedding-y. "
-But lilies are the clear choice. -Oh, my God, it's like one mind.
Guys, guys, you gotta let me nap.
I'm gonna get cranky.
Joey, there's a perfectly good couch across the hall.
Yes, it is perfectly good. . .
. . .and it is not one of the places the duck got sick.
What?
-All right, I'm gonna go. -Joey, what did the duck do?
I don't know, but he did not eat your face cream.
Hey, little buddy. How you feeling?
What the hell is in that face cream?
That's so soft.
Pillowcases!
"Zelda looked at the chimney sweep. Her father, the vicar--"
Vicar?
"--wouldn 't be home for hours.
Her loins were burning.
She threw caution to the wind and reached out and grabbed his--"
This is a dirty book!
Phoebe?
Oh, Ross, hi.
-Phoebe, what are you doing? -Sorry, I'm with a client right now.
-Phoebe! -Okay, let's talk outside.
Phoebe, you can't massage people in my apartment.
I did it at Monica and Chandler's.
And they knew about it?
Okay, Ross, what is this really about?
This is my home, and I want to be able to come and go when I want.
I will find someplace else to do the rest of my appointments.
I don't know what the big deal is.
I don't want naked, greasy strangers in my apartment. . .
. . .when I want to kick back with a puzzle-- Beer, cold beer.
Hey, Joey. What are you doing?
Sweeping. Why? Does it turn you on?
No.
What if I was sweeping a chimney?
Joey, did you eat my face cream?
Where are you going? The vicar won't be home for hours.
Joey, where did you learn that word?
Where do you think. . .
. . .Zelda?
-You found my book?! -Yeah, I did!
Joey, what are you doing going into my bedroom?
I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't have, but you got porn!
You know what? I don't care. I'm not ashamed of my book.
There's nothing wrong with a woman enjoying a little erotica.
It's a healthy expression of female sexuality. . .
. . .which, by the way, is something that you will never understand.
You got porn.
-Hello. -Hi, is Phoebe here?
-No, she's out for the night. -Oh, great!
Can I help you with something?
I don't know. Are you a masseur?
Yes, I am.
Great! Dad?
Thank you so much. I'll pick him up in an hour.
Your parents must've been thrilled when you told them you were engaged.
Oh, yeah. I should probably call them.
I remember when we first got engaged.
-I've never heard that story. -Dad, you don't--
Well, I'd gotten Judy pregnant.
I still don't know how.
You don't know how? Your dog thought my diaphragm was a chew toy.
What a sweet story.
At least you're not hearing it at your 5th grade Halloween party.
They wanted a scary story.
We're really excited about our wedding plans.
Pretty soon we'll be making a big withdrawal from the wedding fund.
-What? -You tell her, Jack. I can't do it.
You have the wedding fund, don't you?
We have it. Only now we call it "the beach house. "
You spent my wedding fund on the beach house?
We're sorry. We assumed. . .
. . .that when you turned 30 you'd pay for it yourself.
You bought the beach house when I was 23.
So you've had seven years of beach fun. . .
. . .and you can't put a price on that.
We do feel bad about this.
We saved again when you dated Richard.
Then that went to hell, so we redid the kitchen.
What about Chandler?
It was Chandler. We didn't think he'd propose.
I didn't start drinking enough at the start of the meal.
I can't believe there's no money for my wedding.
Maybe, if your father hadn't tried. . .
. . .to sell ice over the lnternet.
-It seemed like such a simple idea. -Stupid. The word is "stupid. "
Enough. I don't want to hear about it anymore.
Good luck, Chandler.
Okay, now I'm going to. . .
. . .touch you.
That's soft.
Do you think your parents could help pay for it?
I don't know.
My mother spent most of her money on her fourth wedding.
Saving the rest for her divorce.
And any extra cash my father has, he saves for his yearly trips to. . .
. . .Dollywood.
-What happened at dinner? -My parents spent the wedding fund.
My God, what did you order?
Wait, there's no money? Well, this is terrible.
You guys will have to get married in, like, a rec center.
-Honey, it's gonna be okay. -No, it's not gonna be okay.
-No swing band, no lilies. -It's gonna be okay.
I mean, you don't need to have this. . .
. . .rustic ltalian feast.
You don't need this custom-made. . .
. . .empire waist, duchess satin gown.
You can wear off-the-rack.
It's really gonna be okay.
The important thing is, we love each other and we're gonna get married.
Do you even understand what "off-the-rack" means?
Why don't you pay for it yourself?
How? I don't have any money.
-I have some. -How much?
Well, close to. . . .
-Are you kidding me?! -How much?
-Enough for wedding scenario A. -Really?
How great are you, you little saver!
This is exactly the budget of my dream wedding.
You guys are so made for each other.
You're not suggesting we spend all the money on the wedding?
Yeah.
Look, Mon, I've been saving this money for six years. . .
. . .and I have some of it earmarked for the future, not just for a party.
Wow! Hello, Mr. Chandler.
Sweetie, this is the most special day of our lives.
I realize that, honey, but I won't spend all the money on one party.
Honey, I love you.
But if you call our wedding a party one more time. . .
. . .you may not get invited.
We can always earn more money. We're only gonna get married once.
I understand, but I have to put my foot down. The answer is no.
You're gonna have to put your foot down?
Yes, I am.
Money and a firm hand.
Finally a Chandler I can get onboard with.
CENTRAL PERK
-Hey, Rach. -Joey.
Hey, Rach, do you smell smoke?
I get it. Smoke, chimney, chimney sweep. Very funny. Ha, ha.
No, no, I'm serious. You don't smell it?
Something's on fire.
I don't smell anything.
You know what? It's probably just your burning loins.
-Hey, what are you guys talking about? -Nothing.
Damn, this coffee's cold.
Do you mind if I heat this on your loins?
You know, I cannot believe you told him. Joey. . . .
I guess you bought that book after we broke up.
I did, because I wore out my first copy when I was with you.
Oh, yeah?
Well, when we were going out, I read tons of porno magazines.
'Sup?
Ross, how could you do that to an old man?
Excuse me, ladies.
I'm sorry?
My massage client. Arthur.
His daughter said some guy that worked for me. . .
. . .gave him a really weird massage.
I gave him an extremely professional massage.
He said you poked at him with wooden spoons.
Okay, so it wasn't a traditional massage.
But I did give him acupressure with a pair of chopsticks. . .
. . .and I gently exfoliated him with a mop.
Well, he's never coming back. You just cost me $80 a week.
This is your fault. You didn't move his appointment.
Oh, it's my fault? You didn't have to massage him.
You could've sent him away.
You could've not rolled Tonka trucks up and down his back.
He said he liked that!
You're right, you're right. I'm sorry.
Dude, what are you massaging an old man for?
-His daughter was hot. -Gotcha.
Listen. . .
. . .I've been thinking.
It's not fair of me to ask you to spend all your money on our wedding.
I mean, you work really hard for that.
-Well. -Well, you work for that.
Look, I've thought about it too.
I'm sorry. I think we should spend all the money on the wedding.
-You do? -Yeah, I'm putting my foot down.
Look, when I proposed, I told you. . .
. . .that I would do anything to make you happy.
And if having the perfect wedding makes you happy. . .
. . .then that's what we're gonna do.
You are so sweet.
What about the future and stuff?
Forget about the future and stuff.
So we only have two kids.
We'll pick our favorite and that one will get to go to college.
-Have you thought about that? -Yeah.
How many kids were we gonna have?
Four. A boy, twin girls and another boy.
What else did you think about?
Well, stuff like where we'd live, you know.
Like a small place outside the city. . .
. . .where our kids could learn to ride their bikes.
We could have a cat that had a bell on its collar. . .
. . .and we could hear it every time it ran through the little kitty door.
We'd have an apartment over the garage where Joey could grow old.
You know what?
I don't want a big, fancy wedding.
-Sure you do. -No.
I want everything that you've just said. I want a marriage.
You sure?
-I love you so much. -I love you.
When you were talking about our future, you said cat.
But you meant dog, right?
-Totally. -Good.
Hello, Zelda.
-Who are you supposed to be? -The vicar.
-Do you even know what a vicar is? -Like a goalie, right?
Look, that's enough.
You make stupid jokes and sleazy innuendoes. . .
. . .and it's just not funny anymore.
I'm sorry. Rach, I'm sorry.
Maybe I could make it up to you by taking you roughly in the barn.
All right, that's it. You want to do it? Let's do it.
That's right. I want to do it with you.
Been trying to fight it, but you said all the right things.
I did?
Yeah, I been waiting for so long to get on that body.
-This body? -Yeah, that's right.
Come on, Joey, sex me up.
You're starting to sound like the butcher's wife in chapter seven.
Come on, now. Don't keep me waiting. Take your clothes off.
But I'd keep that helmet on, because you're in for a rough ride.
I don't want to. I'm scared.